Dying Without Your Love
by AlvinFan07
Summary: Most of the time, I really do think that I'd rather be alone forever if I can't have you. LILEY sort of... Oneshot


**Ah yes, another oneshot :) I don't do too many, so oh wellz. But yea, this one is more on the personal side, so it was pretty hard to write. It took me 2 weeks to get it down. Basically, just like my other oneshot titled "Make Me or Break Me" it's about the one I love. My high school sweetheart that I couldn't be with. I'll just call her Cherry (as in the food lol). It was her nickname, so it works. I wrote this after her birthday party I went to 2 weeks ago. Her boyfriend was there and it was really hard to handle, but I managed somehow. I really wanted to capture how I felt about her in this oneshot. It goes from things that have actually been said between us, things that I have only thought of, and how I thought things would have gone if I had said them. It's all mixed in here. Hopefully I wrote it well enough, cos like I said, it was really hard to write my true feelings. So, I hope you all enjoy this :)**

Dying Without Your Love

**(Lilly's POV)**

The waves crashed against the shoreline in the distance. I'm currently standing outside on Miley's private balcony, in the middle of the night, trying to control my urge to go back into her room and kiss her sleeping form. The cool night breeze gently blows through my hair while I mindlessly stare out at the ocean. I wrap my arms tightly around myself as more hot tears stream down my face.

I have been in love with Miley for years now. It probably began in tenth grade- my feelings- but I didn't really truly realize it until eleventh grade… We're in college now. Miley has known about this since Junior year as well; when I finally had the guts to tell her. Unfortunately, as I expected, she didn't return the same feelings. I was devastated. Heartbroken.

Three years, or a little over three years, have passed and my heart has yet to heal. Now I dwell on my own self-pity at the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can't move on. I honestly think I never will. I _love _her.

Choking back a sob, I grip onto the railing. My knees buckle but I somehow prevent myself from falling. It's harder to deal with now that she's dating Jake. I never wanted to have these types of feelings for Miley. Why did it have to happen to me? It's too damn painful and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I suffered before with knowing Miley's straight but now I have to suffer watching her with _him_. Miley loves Jake. Jake could never love Miley the way I do. He better not break her… She should never have to feel the way I feel. At this, I collapse to the ground. All self control lost.

"Lilly…?" I hear a muffled voice behind me. Hearing Miley's voice only makes me cry harder. "Lilly??" Suddenly, I'm scooped up into her arms and I cling on to her hoping it will make her stay with me. "Lilly, shh… It's okay. Tell me what's wrong…"

My heart throbs painfully as I shake my head against her chest. "Y-You already kn-know," I manage to choke out.

"Oh, Lilly…" Miley sighs; rubbing my back soothingly. "I…I don't know what to do to make you feel better." Her voice cracks witch only pains me even more.

"There's n-nothing you can d-do…" It came out harsher than I intended it to be, but I'm too angry with everything to be calm. Even hugging her pains me so I pull away from her embrace.

I can't get myself to look at Miley. A painfully awkward silence comes between us. There's always awkwardness between us… It's all my fault. Sometimes I wish I never told her my feelings.

"…Lilly?" I look up at the sound of her voice. Nobody can say my name the way she does. It fits. It sounds right coming from her. "I, um…" she starts again, and I listen. "I hate being the one who hurts you this way… You deserve to be happy Lil."

"Yea, well I'm not!" I snap, startling her. Quickly standing up, I lean against the railing, trying to calm myself.

Miley slowly stands up, keeping her eyes one me. "You're going to find someone some day, Lilly. You and I both know it."

"N-No we don't, Miley!" My voice is hoarse, and with every word I speak, my heart shatters a little more. "What if you are my one and only?! What if this is the closest I'll ever get to falling in love?? Not everybody finds someone to spend the rest of their life with, and I could be one of those people!"

Tears have completely blurred my vision to the point where I could barely see Miley anymore. My body is shaking so badly and all I want to do is get away from her. This is all too much…

Before I know it, Miley's arms wrap around my torso once again. "Please tell me you don't actually think that's how your life is going to end up like. You're an amazing person, Lilly… Anyone would be lucky to be with you. You're pretty, smart, talented"—

"Stop!" I yell, pushing away from her. "Don't tell me all that stuff when you're just going to end up breaking my heart with it!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Miley holds up her hands defensively; tears threatening to spill from her gorgeous blue eyes.

"Miley, every time I see the way you look at Jake, it literally kills me. The way you smile at him…the way you laugh… I want to be the one who does that for you… But it's never," my voice cracks. "It's never going to happen…"

"The friendship we have is stronger than anything, Lil. We've been through so much and I wouldn't change any of it for the world." Tears freely flow down Miley's distraught face.

Every part of my being becomes numb. I've learned over time that I'd rather have her as a friend than to not have her in my life at all. It doesn't mean that this makes me any happier about this whole situation. "We're not best friends anymore, Miley. We're just friends… Just like you wanted…" The look on her face when I said this was too much for me to handle, so I turn my attention back to the moonlit beach. "I-I'm in love with you, Miley. You'll always be the most important person in my life. It's just…I can only take so much… Seeing you and Jake together all the time is taking a huge toll on me. I just need some space…"

"Space?" Miley asks with concern. "Wh-What do you mean by space?"

"If I ever want to move on enough to at least be happy with somebody else, I need some space. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever completely get over you…" When I turn around, my heart drops to my stomach; she's crying. A lot.

"You're important to me too, Lilly… and y-you should do what you think is best for you. Either way, I'll always be here for you. No matter what…"

We both step forward and wrap our arms around each other in a fierce hug. No matter what situation we're in, I always manage to fall in love with her all over again. "I wish I could stop feeling this way," I whisper. "But when it really comes down to things, all I want is you. Most of the time, I really do think that I'd rather be alone forever if I can't have you. Nobody measures up to you…"

For the next few minutes we just hold each other in silence. A comfortable silence. I cherish every single hug I share with Miley. It's one of the greatest feelings I could ever imagine.

Miley pulls back slightly to look into my eyes. "You might not think you'll find someone, but I know for a fact you will. When that day comes you're going to be so happy." She softly smiles and I can't help but smile back through tears.

"There's always going to be a place for you in my heart. Even if…or when…I find someone else."

"That's my girl," Miley says while pushing my hair that has stuck on my face off to the side. "I really wish I could help you through this better."

"It's not your problem to fix," I sigh. "I, um… I think I'm going to go back home… Take some time to myself to think about things."

"You sure?" I nod my head in response.

"Look, I'm really sorry about breaking down, but this is really hard to deal with. Thanks for being there for me though."

"I always have and always will be there for you." Smiling slightly, we give each other one more hug for the night. "Text me when you get back to your house, okay?"

"I will…" I reassure her. With that, she walks me back into her room, down the stairs, and to the door in the living room. Once I'm halfway down the driveway, with my overnight bag over my shoulder, I turn around to see she's still watching me. Miley waves at me and I return the favor. I can never truly explain how I feel when I'm with her; when I think of her. Miley makes me both ecstatic and depressed all at once. She's the reason I live. The reason I die inside. I tried pushing her out of my life only to realize that I wasn't truly alive without her at all. Deep down, I know someday I'll find somebody who will turn things around for me and I'll be able to go on with life happily. As I told Miley though, she'll always own a huge part of my heart. Therefore, nobody could really measure up to how she makes me feel. How much I love her. Miley is my everything.  
-----

"_I don't wanna fall asleep, 'cos I don't know if I'll get up  
And I don't wanna cause a scene,  
But I'm dying without your love  
Begging to hear your voice;  
Tell me you love me, too.  
Cause I'd rather just be alone if I know that I can't have you"_

**Well, there ya go. Hopefully it was good lol. But overall, things did kinda go this way. No matter how hard it is to be around Cherry, and to see her with her boyfriend, I would still rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. I do keep my space, but we are trying to fix our friendship. Every time I feel lost, she's there for me to make me feel better. That's why I love her so much. I know things will be alright in the end, but in the meantime, she's my one and only Cherry. Leave your thoughts and thanks for reading :) **


End file.
